There. I said it. I’m tired of trying to think otherwise. I’m bored. I love my kids, but I’m bored. I’m languishing here, totally unmotivated to fix it. So, not only am I bored, I’m lazy. I think it might have something to do with having 3 weeks of meltdowns from my middle child, and now I’m just spent and can’t muster up the energy to function happily.
And…I’m missing having adult conversations about things that are important in the adult world. Running into people I once knew, and the impending 20 year reunion is really making me evaluate where I was and where I’m right now.
And…for as “smart” as I’d like to think I am, I’m running out of ideas to challenge myself.
And…they were right to say I’d end up having problems if I quit my job. Shut up already (the voices in my head that are my mother and my old boss, not you, dear reader). I still couldn’t be gone 11 hours a day and come home for job #2 (taking care of the kids, housework and dear husband). I was stretched way too thin.
And…I’m desperate for intellectual companionship – not online either but honest to goodness flesh and blood face-to-face human contact with someone who is not a child or a mother (though at this point, I’ll take whatever I can get).
I don’t want someone to chat with about my problems, I want someone to have an intellectual conversation with. To mull over the meaning of life with, to wax philosophical or to simply just appreciate me for being anything other than a mother.
I read all the time how mothers are SO happy to give up their identities for their kids and they have all the time to research what they want, explore their hobbies, etc.
Well, yes, that’s all fine, until you’ve done that and you need the synergy you get from sharing ideas from another human being. It’s making me very, very unhappy at the moment.
I had about 10 friends/coworkers I could reasonably rely on to get my fix for the intellectual stimulation I needed. Now, I have none (well, except my husband, but he’s got his own stuff going on).
This totally sucks monkey butt.
An addendum –
Perhaps it’s the fact I’m 38 and I’m going through a quasi mid-life crisis. Perhaps since I’ve been out of my field for 4.5 years, I’m realistic enough to know all my skills/knowledge are outdated. Perhaps its because I relied too much on external motivators (a paycheck, performance reviews, etc), that I’m not really internally motivated and need the pressure of deadlines to actually get my act together. Who knows. I just know it really makes me wonder if I’m going beyond the simple blues and actually am becoming just a little bit depressed. Before you ask, I’ve had a complete blood workup too, with iron and thyroid and other metabolics. I thought for sure with two sisters and a mother with a thyroid problem, I would have one too. But apparently I got a clean bill of health.
I just wish I knew where all my energy has gone to. I feel like I’ve been operating at 50 percent capacity for too long.