Crash and Burn

Mr. RSG has still not found employment – it’s *only* been five months. He’s had a few nibbles but no bites.

I have not worked in my field (biotechnology) in 7 years. What are the odds I’m going to find one anyone to hire/train me again?

Our savings keeps dwindling.

We just found out we are eligible for food stamps and if so, automatically eligible for the free lunch program at school. That thought both comforts me (that it’s available) and depresses me (that we actually might need it). Our combined income, long before we had kids, used to be close to six digits when we both worked. This really does suck.

I had a hellacious fight with Mr. RSG the night I wrote the last post. Worst. fight. ever. in 13.5 years of marriage.

I went back to therapy on Thursday. Hopefully insurance will cover it…if not $150 a session to save my marriage will hurt.

I can’t get those images of Japan’s devastating earthquake/tsunami out of my head…and the irrational fears of “the end of the world is nigh” out of my brain.

Reading trauma specialist Dr. Martha Stout’s The Myth of Sanity: Divided Consciousness and the Promise of Awareness, proves to me we are all a little crazy…and really probably wasn’t the best thing to read when I had such a challenging start to my week.

By Friday, I was exhausted. Saturday, beyond exhausted and crabby as hell for stupid reasons and not-so-stupid reasons (like running out of money in our checking account). Today…it took everything I had to summon up every ounce of inner will I could muster to force myself to keep going because I really felt intense 1) guilt 2) shame 3) powerlessness and 4) mental, physical and spiritual exhaustion.

***

Any prayers, good vibes (and maybe loose change*, LOL**) you could send our way before we grovel for more government assistance would be greatly appreciated.

* seriously, if I had a dime for every visitor who visited one of my blogs…I’d have about $35,000 by now.

** I’m kidding, REALLY. I was just informed by Mr. RSG that he thought it was slightly tactless to ‘beg’ for money on my blog. (Really, he thought I was serious?) I assured him (and I’m assuring anyone here reading) I was not seriously asking for money. I have to say, it really made me laugh – I mean belly busting laugh – to know he thought I was serious.

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5 Responses to Crash and Burn

  1. Sorry to hear about your struggle. I will be praying for you.
    This reminder was really helpful for me this week; maybe it will be for you too.

  2. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Amy Jane,

    Ooh…I like that blog’s focus (intentional, professional motherhood)….and that message.

    I agree with her, reading fiction vs. self-help is a better way for me to relax. 🙂

    I’m going to have to peruse her site more. Thanks for sharing!

    And thanks for praying for us.

  3. Fran says:

    Honey, I have SO been there. In those very shoes. I keep myself resilient by thinking, “This is a learning experience. I’m going to learn something from this.”

    I suspect your friend Amy Jane’s link is probably the best medicine, though. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to relax. There’s only so much you have control over.

  4. raisingsmartgirls says:

    “This is a learning experience. I’m going to learn something from this.”

    Yeah. I will.

    Marriage going better, federal tax return came back…have a bit of a breather.

    I ought to finish writing one of my novels and get published. I really don’t want to go back into the lab. 😦

  5. Fran says:

    Sounds like you know in your heart what your path is.

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