These &@$! posts won’t write themselves

I’m incredibly frustrated.

I’m creatively blocked.

I’m wanting to talk about some new topics, only I have major writer’s block going on.

So I’m going to talk about what I plan to talk about even though I don’t know when, how, or even if I get to talk about them.

1) Therapy is going so-so with Mr. RSG and I. It’s frustrating me at times. I often don’t know if it’s worthwhile. And while I like my therapist, I don’t know if I’m getting much out of them, except stress headaches. I thought therapy was supposed to be anxiety reducing, not anxiety inducing. Yes, I know I’m an avoidant sometimes with my daughters. Yes, I know it’s because I was insecurely attached to my mother. Tell me something I don’t know…like how to get over the guilt because I started off on the wrong foot with them.

Yes, I know my husband is sensitive. And he’s not an Alpha Male. And he’s stressed out with work and can’t seem to “take it like a man” and he’s having panic attacks. But that does NOT mean there is something wrong with his masculinity. You really dropped the thing in MY lap and that really wasn’t fair. I still haven’t fully let it go and I’m still irked about it.

2) I started a new bible study class. I haven’t done one in years. It feels good to share my thoughts about the topic…even though generally speaking it’s a hot topic for me: Gender Issues…. In a Christian setting. Yikes! Potentially threatening on so many levels. But turns out it isn’t so bad. Specifically it’s called: Fight Like a Girl: The Power of Being a Woman. It also turns out I don’t hate women like I thought I did. The significant women (mother and sisters) in my life tended to betray me and the “girly girl” women have annoyed me (I don’t care about shoes and I hate shopping) and give women a bad rep sometimes…but so do feminists. I tend to distance myself from both of them. I can’t say I ever wanted to be a man, but I’m not always that pleased to associate with “women who give women a bad name”. I’m like the fence sitter on this one. I do what works. Sometimes that’s leading with my rational side, other times that’s leading with my emotional side. And I never use sex as leverage to get what I want. Not cool. But I like to cook and I like other women who cook and feel like sharing their gift of cooking with me. We actually had a hot breakfast casserole there today because one woman just felt like it. Wow. Feels good to be nourished by someone who did that because they wanted to surprise us.

3) I’d like to focus more on creative efforts, like writing and other creative endeavors. But the more I focus on the wanting, the less motivated I am. The creative flow is halted. I feel like I’m up on stage and I don’t know my routine. I’ve been journaling more, but feeling more anxious, not less. What’s up with that?

4) I have a bazillion things I want to do, and they are all screaming “ooh, pick me!”, “no, pick me!”. And on top of it, one insightful woman hit the nail on the head on a message board with me. “The minute something enjoyable feels like a JOB, it sucks the enjoyment right out of it”. It’s one of the reasons why I enjoy things like emailing, letter writing and blogging for myself and makes me hesitate becoming a freelance writer doing articles for pay. The innate drive…the creative flow becomes frozen after EXPECTATIONS are attached (note to self: D-U-H! I guess I know what my selectively mute daughter felt like a teensy bit. It feels like writer’s block. Only it’s talkers block. The words are there, the EXPECTATIONS block the flow).

5) I’m trying MindMapping that a new friend told me about. According to Wiki, “a mind map is a diagram used to represent words, ideas, tasks, or other items linked to and arranged around a central key word or idea. Mind maps are used to generate, visualize, structure, and classify ideas, and as an aid to studying and organizing information, solving problems, making decisions, and writing”. There’s a cool mind map here.

6) I wanna do NaNoWriMo next month. One month-long writing frenzy just for fun. The object is to write a 50,000 word novella in 30 days. Anyone care to join me? Anyone want to give me a topic to write about. I’m clueless. Though…I have heard that some people start on one thing and during the 30 days, it morphs into something they NEVER thought possible. Oooh, maybe I’ll do 30 days of stream of consciousness writing and see what that pulls up. Because, while some people actually have a topic, with and outline and supportive research, others, like me, just wing it and have fun with it. I did it last year, before M’s teacher died and threw me totally off kilter. So, as long as everyone stays relatively healthy, I think I can pull it off this year.

7) I need to stop listening to others so much and just start listening to my inner voice. It’s pretty cool and has told me some very awesome things lately. I actually am quite delighted with some of the things my inner wisdom has come up with. And while I’m thinking of it, natural highs might be far and few between, but they are just so much more pleasurable than anything man-made or contrived.

Hey, it’s not a great post, but at least it’s something. 🙂

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6 Responses to These &@$! posts won’t write themselves

  1. Ooo– First comment again.
    1) have you looked into a new therapist? I saw a lady maybe, hmm. 3 sessions? And she was helpful each time. As in, I was thinking differently each time I left. But I think she was out of her depth with me (she has no experience with Brains Working Differently and I think she was trying to “diagnose” things that are as genetic as my blond hair). I decided to quit after she started seeing problems where I had found resolution (I hadn’t “fixed” anything, but I’d progressed to a place where it was no longer an emotional drain).

    It came down to me resenting the need to continually prove myself as a “reliable narrator.” I couldn’t tell she trusted me, so it became hard trust her.

    New somebody to meet with later this month.

    3) Do you do a “morning pages” kinda thing? I like bible reading to be the first thing I do, but the point of morning pages (I like Dorthea Brande’s take on it in “Becoming a Writer”) is to create a physical/mental expectation that results in consistency (like spicy and ice cream. At least for me, I can’t eat a spicy dinner without craving ice cream.

    Time was when I couldn’t hear a certain Pandora station without craving to work on my novel. I am painfully out of conditioning.

    Brande’s direction includes picking a time in the day just to write. As in, for a few months you just train your brain that at 10:42 I sit down and write for 18 minutes. And eventually it gets the hint.

    But then, consistancy has always been my weakness.

    6) I am currently working on version 9.3 of my 2006 NaNoWriMo. I would *love* to do NaNo this year, but keep reminding myself that it’ll come around next year and I ought to use what writing time I have to complete this one… (wash rinse repeat)

    I have gotten out of my daily habit of writing (or, at this stage, editing), and the momentum is really hard to build back up.

    I’m sure on some level I’m afraid of finishing or (perhaps more accurately) of the non-strengths required after the writing is finished.

    Go for it on NaNo (have you ever done it before?), just make sure you tell a bunch of people who will be checking on your project in the most loving-nosy way possible. I wanted to quit on Day-two. I’d already reached that too-much-pressure point.

    Did again at least 6 different times in the 30 days, but I was too “accountable” to quit. Now I’m glad. I learned a lot. Not the least being how massive (and how manageable) is 50,000 words.


  2. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Amy Jane –

    Thanks so much for the tips. Yes, I did NaNo last year – got through 15,000 words before my daughter’s former teacher passed away. I was overcome with grief. I lost the will to keep going on.

    Morning pages end up usually being afternoon or evening pages (I’m sluggish in the morning). Yes, kind of contrary to what the point is…

    I might try to revisit my novel from last year – about my life in the crime lab. It was rather a cool concept. I got 26 pages done, but really should revamp the whole thing because I didn’t like how I handled most of it.

    I think I can do it, provided something big like that doesn’t happen. I was ahead of schedule until her former teacher died. It was hard on me because I had to take time out to prepare my daughter and it reminded me of losing my friend Barb to cancer in 2002.

  3. You could keep going, of course, but I’ll offer this caveat: new works are recommended each Nov 1 simply b/c we are more invested in a story the longer it exists, and a year-old story could hold to much (hope, expectations) to allow one to write with the abandon necessary to get 50,000 words down.

    It’s true of me, anyway. I had 14,000 words down on a story before starting my first NaNo and was frozen even without the speed/deadline. Having nothing but an outline (traditional folktale) and a list of names (so I wouldn’t have to slow down) made all the trick-my-picky-mind difference for finishing.

    Good luck!

    • raisingsmartgirls says:

      Tjamls foe rhe e

      (um, make sure hands are on the home row)

      Thanks for the caveat. Yeah, I’m still wondering about what to do with my orphan 29 pages. I can’t seem to work on them OR let them go either. 😉

  4. Spacemom says:

    I wish I had time for NaNo this year. I had a great idea come to me the other day (from YOU! Thanks!) and I am curious to do it, but I worry that I might get myself worked up with the research I would need to do.

    As I tell my kids, “screw what other people think. There is only one person you have to live with your whole life, and that is YOURSELF”

  5. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Well, Spacemom…keep that idea and maybe you CAN get to it sometime, if not for NaNo.

    I found it so much fun last year and it did give me a cool sense of accomplishment to see my story grow and it energized me to accomplish more in other areas of my life too.

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