Expansive

Wow, nine days without a post. Crazy, but true.

My grandmother died (I’ll talk about that after the funeral on Tuesday, I think).

I read.

And ruminated.

I wrote in my journal.

And corresponded with friends.

And ruminated some more.

I have to tell you, those 9 days has made quite a powerful difference in my life. It seems that the God of the universe heard my plea for help, as it often seems to do when I verbalize that which I feel is most needed.

Timing is everything. If I don’t have something I think I need…it’s either because I do not really need it like I thought I did, or it’s simply not the right time to have it. And in the waiting…if I stay with myself and accept what is and be open to support if it comes my way, then everything will start to make sense, including the period of waiting.

Recently I wrote a little story to an internet friend of mine:

When I was younger.. all I ever did was look for a little adventure. Most times I just struck out on my own…bold…fearless…pretty certain that I’d be just fine, even though I was a girl…that there wasn’t anything to be afraid of. That maybe something in the universe was looking out for me.  I trusted in that unseen presence.  I trusted myself a whole lot more back then too.

Then Life started changing me and not always for the better. I think…well, no, I know…it actually took me away from my Self.

When I couldn’t find it anymore.  I got scared.

I forgot to trust my inner wisdom.

I began to doubt myself.

I lost faith.  Not in God.  Not in the Universe.

But in Me.

I thought my value should be measured in how much I produced – either at work, or in the amount of housework I did at home, or even how many posts I could write (and as you know, I sometimes can’t find the off switch when I get started).

In the end…it doesn’t really matter.  I’m still a pretty neat person despite what I do or fail to achieve.  I think I’ve touched a few lives through my blog and in my real life.  I’m quite glad to have met some of my readers, if only electronically.

And today I just read

A valid guide always leads us back to ourselves and the riches within us.

~ David Richo

I asked. I waited. I received.

I received much more than I actually thought I would.

To the God of the Universe, I thank you.

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15 Responses to Expansive

  1. Mom Gail says:

    Hi Honey,
    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother. How are you? And the rest of the family, (including your mother). There really aren’t words at a time like this. I only know that it will never be alright that she’s gone, but it will get better in time. In who’s time? only you will know. Grieve for her, thank God for the time you had with her, and hang on to the memories.
    And yes, my beauty, You are a really neat person. You have one of the biggest, and most tender hearts that I know, Don’t lose her again, please. I love you

    • raisingsmartgirls says:

      Mom Gail –

      I wanted you to know that it’s really all right. Grandma was suffering with arthritic pain for years and was on a ton of medication (pain pills, bp medicine, and was diabetic). I went to see her weekly, and the only thing she really wanted to do was watch TV. I mean she enjoyed talking with me, and we had great conversations, but she said I didn’t have to make time for her, that she was okay with watching TV.

      I love her, I will miss her, I appreciated the time I had with her.

      And now I know she isn’t in pain anymore.

      And no, I won’t lose Me again.

      And I will be sharing with you some more later.

      I love you.

  2. Melody says:

    So sorry for your loss.

    I’ve missed reading your posts.

    I’ve been working a lot, but if I get a day off this week ill give you a call and maybe we caan catch up over coffee.

  3. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Melody –

    Thank you.

    That sounds great. I will email you too, because I forgot to show my appreciation for your visiting with me. That was rather enlightening.

    No worries on when you can make time. When the time is right to meet up, it will work out.

    Take good care of you.

  4. Heather says:

    I too want to say I’m sorry for your loss.

    I recently found your blog, and have been silently following along. Many of the things you’ve been talking about have resonated with me: the need to find true peers, the pressure to be “productive.”

    I have both a smart boy and a smart girl (elementary ages,) and I’m navigating rough educational waters for both of them.

    Thank you for speaking up, and for speaking out from your heart.

    • raisingsmartgirls says:

      Heather,

      Thank you so much for your kind words.

      I know the educational system is flawed and it can be difficult to meet the needs of the children at either end of the bell curve. There are two books I think you might find helpful.

      Guerilla Learning: How to Give Your Kids a Real Education, With or Without School by Grace Llewellyn and Amy Silver.

      And Creative Homeschooling: A Resource Guide for Smart Families by Lisa Rivero.

      I found those to probably be the most helpful books to help reduce my anxiety about my kids education.

      I have to get back into afterschooling again. Things have been difficult since my grandmother took a turn for the worse, and then passed away. But I’ll get back into it soon.

  5. Jen says:

    Oh hon, I’m sorry about your Grandma. Even when they hurt, it’s always difficult when the time comes.
    Your line about losing yourself, that trust, that faith in yourself, really rang true with me. I’ve been on the verge of losing myself many times, and I don’t dare lose it. I try to keep hold to it, for it’s what makes me ME. I suppose I’m in that same place of waiting and listening right now. Trying to be patient with it all.

    • raisingsmartgirls says:

      Jen –

      Sometimes I read your blog and I’m amazed at your ability to laugh at some of the most difficult tasks as you raise your children. I bet there are days though, you are just crying inside.

      You are a great mom, and an inspiration to others, including me. I know you are a strong woman, and a great mother.

      I wish you peace and harmony and patience when the tough gets going.

      • Jen says:

        Oh hon, thank you. I…I have to laugh to keep from screaming. I have to find a way to make it all funny or I’ll lose my ever-lovin’ mind. I cry inside so very much, and sometimes that spills over into my writing. Those are the “screaming to the skies” posts; I try not to have too many of those.
        I wish you the same peace and harmony my friend. 🙂

  6. So sorry to hear of the loss of your grandmother–may you find comfort during this difficult time.

    Self-doubt can be such an incredible stumbling block. I can very much relate to that, myself. I’m looking forward to your writing more–as you know I tend to lurk, but I’m always happy to see your writing pop up in my reader. 🙂

  7. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Just Margaret –

    Thank you. I feel so blessed when my readers are touched by something I have to say. I will tell you, that when I hear lovely comments like all that I have today, it really uplifts me and makes me feel lucky to be alive.

    Have a great day all, I have to get going to Grandma’s funeral.

  8. Rick says:

    For spiritually-minded people like us, there’s a direct connection to our relationship with God, and our faith in ourselves. I’ve tried to rationalize my way out of it, but that’s never worked. 🙂

  9. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Rick –

    I couldn’t agree more. I can’t live without spirituality or a relationship of some sort to God – though I generally resist legalistic dogma. My understanding of who and what God is might be limited by my human perception and intellectual capacity, but the simple truth is that I have been quite blessed by many instances of synchronicity to feel that these can not be ascribed to multiple cases of sheer dumb luck.

  10. Jen says:

    Heya, Sorry — so sorry — to hear of the loss of your Grandmother. Just reading your responses to others who have posted on this entry tells me she was special to you. I am glad, though, that you have led yourself back to YourSelf.

    I do apologize for the lateness of this response, but I was internet-free for 10 days.

  11. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Jen –

    No worries. I don’t think there’s an expiration date on condolences. Thank you for yours.

    Yes, my grandmother was pretty special.

    And yes, it getting back to my Self is pretty sweet.

    Casey

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