And there’s that synchronicity thing again.

After I verbalized my frustrations in the previous two posts, I went to a garage sale yesterday after picking up middle daughter from kindergarten and I found a very interesting book called The Good Enough Child: How to Have an Imperfect Family and Be Perfectly Satisfied by Brad E. Sachs, Ph.D., a family psychologist.   We almost didn’t go to that garage sale, because youngest daughter (5) did not want to go.  I had left her in the car, but it didn’t take long before she started crying.   I almost didn’t buy it, but I’m so glad now that I did.  I think it was waiting there more me to find it just when I needed it.

This book is about forgiving, even embracing, imperfection, for I believe the search for the ideal is the enemy of the achievable and the realizable. Once we let go of the image of the perfect family and accept ourselves and each other for who we are, we will become the best and most loving parents a child could ask for. To do so requires that we say good-bye to a tantalizing dream, but it enables us to greet a delicious reality, the reality of family love, with its wonderfully complicated texture, its bright and shadowy moments, its healing and redemptive power.

Of course, everyone pays lip service to the idea that we need to accept our children and ourselves, that children feel loved and do best when they are appreciated for who they are, not for what they do, and that acceptance involves distinguishing between what you want FOR your child and what you want FROM your child. We hear this, but unfortunately nobody tells us exactly how to do it in such a way that accepting your child doesn’t mean simply giving up on him.

This book will not only encourage you to be more accepting, but will demonstrate, through vignettes and case histories, how to do that while still playing a positive, proactive role in the life of your child.

….I hope that you will hear in these pages a voice that is not grounded in dreams and fantasies, but in the hard, daily realities faced by anyone who is raising children and trying to infuse a family with the sense of intimate connection that gives life dignity and meaning.

I have a lot of work ahead of me…a LOT. I’m not a bad mother, or a bad person, nor are my kids a bad fit for me. I’ve just had so many things happen to me that it’s difficult to sort them all out. Each of the vignettes address one issue. I have experienced at least 4 of them if not more. I never consciously adopted a negative/defeatist attitude, but it’s no wonder why this parenting journey has completely flooded me and set the stage for my feeling incompetent and depressed.

There’s too much I’m aware of and haven’t been able to organize any of it and break it down into manageable parts so that I can systematically work on the problems. The problem isn’t that I don’t see the big picture, because I DO, the problem is that I can’t focus on the individual parts long enough to work on them.

No wonder I just shut down, want to curl up and die sometimes because I don’t feel up to the challenge. The task is monumental and intimidating.

But it’s important that I give it my best shot.

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This entry was posted in Intensity, motherhood, overexcitabilities, personal growth, personal issues, synchronicity. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to And there’s that synchronicity thing again.

  1. Ricardo says:

    >The problem isn’t that I don’t see the big picture, because I DO, the problem is that I can’t focus on the individual parts long enough to work on them.

    DING DING DING!

    That’s me, too.

  2. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Ricardo (Montalban?)

    I am feeling a mighty rumbling lately, and not it’s not an earthquake (I don’ think).

    I know I’m suffering from a type of ADD. No, probably not the typical clinical diagnosis, but a good ole helping of misappropriating of energies on the wrong tasks combined with a smattering of inertia. It had not been painful enough to change, so I didn’t.

    Rather than fighting what FEELS like a losing battle, I cope with a hefty dose of procrastination. Too many other interesting things to do than what needs doing and no real deadlines so I procrastinate.

    Anyway, before I give away too much of what I’m thinking, I’m going to make a new post.

    • Ricardo says:

      My buddy Lynn referred to me as Ricardo in a blog post, so I took on the name. 🙂

      I’ve probably had the AD part of ADHD for most of my life. Not as severe as some folks, but it is an ongoing problem. I’ve found three things actually help: Electronic schedulers/calendars, antidepressants, and exercise.

      Four: Sleep hygiene (keeping a sleep schedule, same on weekends as weekdays).

      I seldom keep it up for more than a week or two at a time, but it’s good when I do.

  3. raisingsmartgirls says:

    I keep rolling the “r” when I read that name. Makes me smile. 🙂

    One of the better names I was called as a child was “absent-minded”. Beats some of the other names I was called.

    Thanks for the suggestions. I have a pretty erratic sleep schedule. Some days requiring a ton of sleep, other days having insomnia. I’m sure it messes with my head a lot. So does a low functioning thyroid. Both makes mornings rough because I wake up with a head full of cobwebs. It takes a while to even out (usually by after lunch I’m good).

    Oh, hey…I did get out today with the little one – we rode bikes to the park. I probably should do that every day. I’m enjoying bike riding a lot more than I thought I would. Mr. RSG and I bought new bikes a few weeks ago. Nothing terribly fancy, but it does the job.

    I am still vacillating about AD’s. I think if I used my calcium/magnesium tablets more routinely, I’d get better sleep. If I got better sleep, I probably would have more clarity and energy. If I had more clarity and energy, I would be more productive and not need AD’s.

    And if I gave a mouse a cookie…

    I have a great organizer I made to help me get organized, I created some of my own tracking forms to keep on top of stuff…but I don’t discipline myself to use them so I get out of the habit that would keep me on task. Self-sabotage or something, I guess.

    Except…I’ve gotten so sick of myself and my bad habits that starting tomorrow, I am going to try a different approach.

    We’ll see what happens.

  4. Spacemom says:

    My moment of zen was when I accepted the fact that my children weren’t going to be the Nobel Prize winner, they wouldn’t win the Olypmics, they wouldn’t be president. But they would be strong, caring people who will touch the lives of those around them.

    Then Luna started ice skating and those olympic things started again…sigh

  5. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Spacemom –

    Right now…the world is still so open to them. Anything can happen, anything can change. I think, if it’s something Luna wants…by all means encourage her to go for the gold! 🙂

    A friend of mine went to a youth orchestra the other day and said how wonderful the 14 year old solo violinist was, who’d been playing since she was 3.

    While momentarily I panicked and thought…but my kids aren’t like that…I realized…the huge investment and time and money that went into supporting a child’s talents like that.

    I also wondered, was the child forced into lessons? Not having an inside look into the family…I have no idea whether the 3 year old asked for music lessons or the parents wanted to force the bloom to open early.

    Theoretically, I *could* get together the money for Suzuki lessons for any of them, or re-enroll them in ballet lessons….

    My middle daughter, while probably would not be a prodigy by any stretch…would probably benefit from having something to keep her body moving and mind busy.

    But my thinking is from a therapeutic standpoint – music and body movements would probably help her oversensitive nature.

    Hmmm….come to think about it, it might even help mine.

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