From here to there

A good friend once told me

When the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing, people change.

The pain of staying the same IS worse than the pain of changing.

I am not sure of the direction I’m heading in, with regards to this blog…or my other ones.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m needing to focus inward and on my marriage instead of the computer, because I have a tendency to turn to it and internet friends instead of working on the difficulties in my life. Besides this blog I am active on a message board (I was there so long they made me a moderator) and I had an internet friend I relied on for my needs for communication. And dear internet friend (you know who you are) I wrote that I’ll stop unloading on you and I really mean that. I’m sorry for being so needy. It’s time I work on that.

I never really meant for my computer life to be a primary source of companionship, but it has been. It was suggested to me that it was easy to do so if you were extroverted, but were stuck in a situation that was isolating – and that’s what stay at home motherhood can be sometimes – especially if you tend to piss off your neighbors. On top of that, I have a pretty intense need for intellectual stimulation. My former job at the genetics laboratory used to give me all that I needed both intellectually and socially. I would come home ready to shut down my brain a little and relax.

Things have been different for 6 years.

I have three closely spaced, intense and gifted girls. They bicker and argue and screech and cry – a LOT. Yes, they got some of that from me. When the three of them are together, they all clamor noisily. They tend to ask questions at the same time. It’s frustrating and maddening to me.

I have real life friends who won’t call me back. I have a mother and sisters I can’t share my personal problems with. I don’t go out with anyone unless its for a play-date.

I don’t have that intellectual stimulation and social connection and so I became addicted to my internet research and relationships. It gave me some semblance of a life and I have learned a bunch of things I otherwise would never have known. It gave me access to some wonderful people – a few really gifted and talented individuals. It also made me want to sharpen my brain that had withered from lack of use and has helped me be a marginally better writer.

I dislike housework. I do it because it needs doing but I don’t really like doing it so I try to do as little of it as possible – I was not born with the cleanie gene to begin with. Even if the days before internet usage, a clean room was never a priority when there were so many wonderful books to read. I got into a LOT of trouble with that back home. It does NOT surprise me my house is messy now.

But because of these things, my marriage is fractured and I’m running out of glue. And believe it or not, some men do want more than sex (mine is one of them). I think my husband was feeling like all I came to him for was a backrub and “nookie” and not enough real communication. I think this is where I’ve been wrong and I need to work on that. Where he’s been wrong has been turning from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde and he needs to work on that.

Becoming parents changed us dramatically. People told me quitting my job would prove challenging for me. They were right, but I’m still glad I’ve been here for my children.

It’s not that my husband and I fight all that much. But we are having communication difficulties and some other problems. He’s stressed, I’m stressed. We are both struggling. He’s got his ways of dealing with it and I have mine. And they are not good ways. We both have hurt each other.

I haven’t decided how I’m going to go about changing my ways. Sometimes I feel if I don’t have the internet, then I really don’t have any adults to talk to.

Is that a really bad thing? No probably not.

It might make me work harder at making/sustaining real life friendships. Or it might make me get used to the idea of relying on myself.

Either way, it’s better than what I have going on now.

As for what’s going to happen. I don’t know. I am going to curtail some of my internet activities that’s for sure.

I’m strongly considering going to finish my master’s degree in analytical chemistry that I started before I got hired at the crime lab some…um…15 years ago. Yeah, don’t laugh…I know it would be extremely tough to retrain my brain for it, but maybe I can. I’ve got a few chemistry review books that I’m going to work on and see if I have the ability and desire to work at it. And if I can’t, well, at least I’ll have tried and it will certainly give my bored mind a workout.

And if by remote chance I can do it, it would open up a whole new set of job opportunities for me making really decent money and I’d have more options. There’s just not a really any biotech labs near me.

We shall see what we shall see.

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2 Responses to From here to there

  1. Mom Gail says:

    I’m going to call tomorrow and we are going to have a talk. Don’t think that you don’t have an adult to talk to, you have one living with you. There is more to marriage than kids, nookie & back rubs. Your dad is my best friend, we talk all of the time, sometimes it’s just to unload from the goings on of the day, sometimes it’s just plain silliness, but most of all, we communicate without judgement. We listen to each other, and we actually hear what the other is trying to get across. It takes work, this thing called marriage, but in the long run, it’s all worth it.
    I Love You

  2. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Mom Gail –

    I know. J was (is) my best friend…we DID talk. We just stopped talking deeply about things.

    And I should have clarified. During the hours he’s at work, I’m VERY lonely and bored. He calls during the day when he’s driving from yard to yard, but it’s not about much. Same thing usually – my frustrations or his.

    Apparently I’ve forgotten how to make friends. And those I did have are busy. And my neighbor next door hates me.

    Last night…J read this post. We talked a lot about what I’m doing wrong and what he’d done wrong. He’s at work today (Sat) because he’s swamped with projects.

    There’s some other serious problems he’s had (you know the “big” thing you and dad had difficulties with too?). It’s hard to turn to someone who’s struggling with that big thing. I don’t want to share the incident that happened 2 weeks ago on the blog. I think I forgot to talk to you about it. It hurt a lot (emotionally) but since it resolved within 24 hours, I didn’t make a big deal out of it and worry you unnecessarily.

    Anyway, I’ll be in and out of the house in the morning. But after 1 I’ll be sure to be home. Talk to you soon.

    I love you too.

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