It’s a question of faith…

Things are going to take a slightly different tone in my blog. I found out yesterday from my dear friend A that she had the same thing I had two years ago, a nodule on her thyroid and it was cancerous. I remember standing on the outskirts of A and C’ life and feeling really helpless. I supported them as best I could from the sidelines, giving them some space but desperately wanting to be more useful. It was a rough time to be a friend when I didn’t know what to do or what they wanted me to do.

I joked with another friend of mine that I’m not going to turn my blog into cancer watch 2010 for me. But I am scared and I am a worrier and I’m basically a big baby. Thoughts of my own death have been on my mind since I was about 10. I’ve been living like I was dying for a long time, giving of myself to my dear friends and family whenever I could. But there are some areas I have been neglecting. As much as I’ve done…there’s still more I can do.

It’s time in my life’s journey to deal with my faith head-on. I went to a Catholics Come Home meeting last night – the first of a four-part series. I’ve had a lot of stuff brought up as a result of it, and I am going to start examining some things, here on the blog. If it helps someone, great. If not, that’s okay too.
I just need to talk about my faith and my choices and the consequences of them for a little bit.

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4 Responses to It’s a question of faith…

  1. Rick says:

    I know where you’re at. My dad had thyroid cancer, got that fixed, and then had another type pop up. It’s scary.

    I started praying every night the day I learned Dad had cancer. I was 10 or 11. Even in my doubtful days, I’ve had to pray, out of habit.

    You’re absolutely right: Your faith and choices and consequences are vitally important. I don’t mean in the where-you-go-after-death stuff — nobody knows that. I mean in the who-you-are stuff. That’s the kind of thing that can make every day a gift or a burden, if it’s not settled.

  2. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Rick – thanks so much for the comment.

    I have to pick up the kids from school in a bit but I’ll be back. I’m sorry about what happened to your dad. Truly. It IS scary.

    I am going to take the advice of my step-mother:

    Try not to think about the what if’s, it only takes away from what is now

  3. Papa T says:

    A couple of things that jumped out of me…quotes from your post:

    “As much as I’ve done…there’s still more I can do.”

    “I’ve had a lot of stuff brought up as a result of it, and I am going to start examining some things, here on the blog. If it helps someone, great. If not, that’s okay too.”

    We tend to resort to “faith” when answers are hard-to-impossible to come by. Your desire and the transparency that you seem to be exhibiting are laudable.

    For ME, I have come to a point of: As much as I have been…there’s still more I can be. As for the second “stimulator” in your post, it might be time to just flat not care whether “it helps ‘someone'” or not. Personal calamity–regardless of the “actual” degree to which it is calamitous–is PERSONAL. We ALL must stake our own personal “space.” It must be the goal and work of each individual to establish her or his own lines (or boundaries).

    I’ll not pretend to claim any right to advise you on this. I just hope that you don’t take this as an “opportunity” to muddy up your own swimmin’ hole. Take the time that YOU need. Expend the energy that is good for YOU. I’d echo Rick’s words: focus on “the who-you-are stuff.” No person, or group of persons (e.g. “church”…Catholic, or not) can do that for us.

    We only need faith for the things that we do not, or cannot (?), know…or experience.

    …Still transmitting warmth and caring energy your way…and wishing you all the best.

  4. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Papa T –

    Not to be contentious (or actually maybe TO be contentious) who I am is really as only as good as what I do. Whether it’s a mother, or a friend, or a lover to my husband, or a wife, or an employee. Things things are only as good as how well I perform in the role, and what produce. Lately, it’s not been much.

    Maybe a public examination of my faith is really not what I want to do. I’ve been in the middle of a spiritual tug-of-war ever since I married my husband. I’m an ex-Catholic and he’s baptist and we go to a church that apparently (I just realized) is a Purpose Driven church – Rick Warren’s vehicle, which, by the way, I just discovered just might be a false teacher.

    Guess I’d better revisit some religious research before I start talking about it on my blog.

    Damn. Everyone lies. Everyone.

    Might be time to fully embrace my atheistic side and just accept the fact if there’s truly a God, I’m screwed.

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