I’ve been looking for a decent segue to introduce the wisdom of Daniel Mackler from his website Essays for the Enlightenment Seeker: Healing from Childhood Trauma regarding the needs of a child and which represents MY personal views as well. Fair warning: His views are not for the faint of heart.
As a daughter of someone who’s fathers had problems with alcoholism and a mother with a narcissistic personality disorder, as an adult STILL recovering from the effects of childhood emotional neglect and abuse, I want to learn more about what children really need.
My last post, coupled with Sally’s “insightful” commentary, has offered me the perfect opportunity to share Daniel’s piece The Baby’s Manifesto:
(with apologies to Daniel Mackler…please email me if you don’t want me sharing your writings in full)
The Baby’s Manifesto
Translated into adult English from the look in the baby’s eyes…
- I need parents who love me fully. I need parents who understand me fully. I need parents who can adequately translate the needs behind my cries…and my coughs…and my silences.
- I need parents who are open to learn all they can learn from me. I need parents who recognize that once they’ve brought me into the world they must devote their lives to me, body and soul. I need parents who realize that all their purposes in existing must be performed in light of how it can help me grow, help me mature, and help me thrive.
- I need parents who have spent years in preparation for my creation – years before the sperm and the egg that created me ever met. I need parents who devoted their lives to the betterment of themselves in mind, body, and spirit. I need parents who entered the deepest and darkest depths of themselves and resolved the most painful traumas of their own past. I need parents who no longer live awash in the wounds foisted on them by their own parents. I need parents who have become fully enlightened and no longer store hidden parts of their ravaged selves in their unconscious.
- I need parents who no longer wish for their own parents to rescue them, and secretly expect me, their future offspring, to pick up the torch where their own parents left off. I need parents who can instead devote the whole summation of their beings toward the betterment of me.
- I need parents who have had me so that they can give, and not take, from me. I need parents who had children out of no other motive than their desire to give back to the earth. I need the kind of parents who realize fully just how inherently selfish having children is. I need the kind of parents who would normally never have children…
- I need parents who don’t lie to me – or to themselves. I need parents who can be straight with me. I need parents who can be straight with each other, and have no hidden agendas for me. I need parents who don’t use me as a pawn in their relationship games with others, and most especially each other.
- I need parents who can let me be who I am – and not brag about me. I need parents who do not see me as an extension of themselves, and thus do not say “thank you” when someone compliments my beauty. I need parents who instead say, “yes, you’re right,” and don’t secretly feel self-gratified by my wondrous self.
- I need parents who do not live in fear of their own deaths. I need parents who live in the moment, because they have integrated the truths of their past.
- I need parents who are youthful in spirit and healthy in body, and who will not abandon me to death before I am ready to stand on my own as an autonomous adult.
- I need parents who raise me in a safe and comfortable and enriching environment – not in the midst of a civil war or a starvation-torn land or a silent room with a television.
- I need parents who, if I am a boy or a girl, wouldn’t dare circumcise my genital organs. I need parents who devote themselves to my health. I need parents who don’t drink alcohol or take drugs or take unnecessary medications. I need parents who are sober at all levels of their being. I need parents who would never physically hurt me, for any reason.
- I need parents who love children, and can easily relate to them – and don’t instead force me to relate to them. I need parents who let me grow at my own pace, and let me be a kid when I need to be a kid. I need parents who don’t expect adult responsibility of me before I am an adult.
- I need parents who marvel at the preciousness of my existence and realize that I am the epitome of unbounded spirit. I need parents who laugh because they feel the joy in life. I need parents who know how to have honest fun, and want to include me in it.
- I need parents who have resolved their addictions. I need parents who are not avoiding the true light of day by being addicted to me. I need parents who do not project their blocked past onto me, but instead see me for exactly for who I am. I need parents who do not expect me to love them. I need parents who know the difference between love and need. I need parents who are experts on self-nurturance, and by extension know how to nurture me.
- I need parents who are emotional adults through and through – and I need two of these parents. And I need these two parents to also love each other. I need these two parents to be fully in accord with their holy role as the warden of my growth. I need two parents who are both willing to go to all lengths to give their best for me. I need two parents who are both willing to die for me.
- I need parents who can progressively let me go as I progressively mature. I need parents who can follow my lead and listen to my revisions of the plan. I need parents who do not go into withdrawal when I don’t love them.
- I need parents who let me get angry when they make errors or do inappropriate things with me – and I need parents who change their behavior so they stop making these errors. I need parents who do not punish me for my honest and healthy reactions, and love me anyway.
- I need parents who understand the meaning of healthy human sexuality. I need parents who will in no way use me to meet their own unresolved sexual or love needs. I need parents who will shield me from as much of the hellish impurity of the world as they are humanly able to do. I need parents who are willing to sacrifice all their own personal comforts to create a nourishing environment for me.
- I need parents who take no credit when the work is done.
- I need parents who will be my role models.
~ Daniel Mackler
Essays for the Enlightenment Seeker
Let me clarify. This is a really TALL order, and yes, we are only human. Yet I believe anyone who WANTS to evolve can achieve most or even all of these. The point I’m trying to make is that I have these ideals in the forefront of my mind as I parent my own children. I am not perfect. I am not looking for absolute perfection, but pretty darn near it. I think it IS possible. ANYTHING is possible if you put the time and the effort into it. What makes this so daunting is that hardly anyone actually sets out to learn how to parent (let alone parent the best way possible). Most people wing it.
If it’s working for you – FANTASTIC. I’m not looking for how to wing it. I’m looking for how to do it the ABSOLUTE BEST way I possibly can meet the NEEDS (not WANTS) of my children.
I deserve emotional freedom. My children deserve emotional freedom. So does everyone else.
This is not a judgment. I really don’t give a rat’s ass how anyone else parents their kids. This is the ideal I have in my mind. I think I can get pretty damn close to my ideals.
This is an invitation to learn something new. Don’t like it, don’t try it. Don’t think you like me? Eh…that’s okay. I have always been weird and that’s the way I like it. Be my friend, be my enemy. Who cares. I got a lot of living left to do and I am going to have a blast getting to the end of my life.