I need to preface this post to explain that I was in a very difficult place when I wrote it. In my moments of pain, I have a tendency to forget the good that’s been brought to my life. As I have been going through this period of growth, it’s taken some people outside myself (sometimes total strangers) to point out where my hurt and disappointment is coming from…not from current relationships (or lack thereof), but from long ago hurts that I’m dealing with. If anyone I currently care about should happen to read this and feel I mean to say they have let me down, I need to clarify that the problem lies within me, not with anyone else. It’s taken me a few days, and some help from some very insightful people, to figure this out.
I was wrong, thinking anyone could possibly understand me and the intensity, complexity and drive I have.
I thought that by expressing my thoughts, and the things I’m interested in, my husband would know me better than he does. Husband asked me today, “well tell me what you are interested in, email me the stuff that you find interesting, then I’ll reflect on them and get back to you”. Which sounds great, until I realize that most everything I’m interested and passionate about is already right here on my blog. After nearly two years of asking him to read it, he still doesn’t know what I’m all about.
We fought about this today, and it is clear to me that I just have to stop trying to help him to understand me. Either he’ll get me, or he won’t.
I thought that by blogging my thoughts, somehow the people in real life I’ve shared my blog with would know me a little better, and would want to know more about me, and want to spend more time with me. Uh, nope.
I thought that by showing concern for the people I do consider my friends (internet or otherwise), somehow maybe I’d help people open up to me more. Instead, it tends to do the opposite, and shut them down.
I get it. I’m not meant to have the type of feedback I’m expecting from others. Perhaps that makes me a bad person, since I have expectations.
I don’t know why I still keep seeking things from others that they can’t provide me with. I now know why it has to come from within. I have to be content with having no friends or with having friendships limited to shallow ones, with having certain things missing in my marriage.
I have too high expectations on others. I know that I do.
I also know that I think I need to pursue an advanced degree. I think that’s the only way I’m going to get the intellectual challenge and purpose I seek. I don’t want “just a job”. I don’t want to fill up time. I want to put to good use my analytical prowess and continue to self-actualize. I’m just tired, extremely tired of being nothing.
I want to have an autobiography that includes something along the lines of Bertrand Russell’s summary of his own life (substituting math for science or some other discipline). The following is taken from the Wikipedia entry:
At the age of 84, Russell added a five-paragraph prologue to a new publication of his autobiography, giving a summary of the work and his life, titled WHAT I HAVE LIVED FOR.
Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a deep ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.
I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy — ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness — that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it, finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what — at last — I have found.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A little of this, but not much, I have achieved.
Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens. But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a hated burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer. This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me.
I’m going to have an autobiography summary of my life some day like that. I feel there are still many things I can accomplish in my life. I’m only turning 40 this year. I have lots of potential left. It’s up to me to work on some of the dreams I set aside a long time ago. Right now, I feel very strongly about the desire to go into neuroscience for its interdisciplinary approach (covering psychology, computer science, statistics, physics, philosophy and medicine. Problem is, there are no Ph.D. programs local to where I’m at. And I’ve been out of school for a very, very long time. Talk about having everything stacked against you.
And of course…when I told my mother I’ve decided I want a master’s or Ph.D. (just a moment ago, in fact).
Mom says: “What do you want to do that for?”
Me: “Because I want to. I’m not satisfied with any old job”
Mom: “What kind of job can you get with that?”
Me: “Depends on what I go for”
Mom: “It’s going to cost you money you know”
Me: “Yes, I know”
Mom: “Well I have to get going because I’ve got things to do”.
Me: “Um, okay…talk to you later”.
Yup…story of my life with that woman.