Those childhood losses have a profound effect on the adult I am now.

Some quotes from the Creating Real Relationships book:

You carry inside yourself an invisible set of parents who live inside your head. These parental images may repeatedly remind you that you are defective. Furthermore, these “old” parental figures may remain in place even if your parents ares no longer alive or have significantly changed, and no longer shame you in the same way they once did.

Some losses can never be replaced. No amount of praise or respect in adulthood can compensate for the lack of praise or respect received as a child. This is why mourning is a necessary part of healing shame. You must mourn the parts of you that seemed to die in the face of rejection.

Grieving helps you realize that shame attacks the spirit. When we face losses resulting from shame, we feel a penetrating sorrow that can fill us with pain. But this grief can relieve shame when it is experienced fully. It helps to put away the past, with it’s lost hopes, so we can find a new path in the future.

With each loss of friendship…with every loss of connection with another friend, old wounds are re-opened. Nothing is permanent, and some people don’t consider my friendship essential to them to keep it going. And so the story goes, one right friend right after another…

I’m working through some past issues, grappling with some current issues, trying to rise above it all and stop crying about feelings of abandonment from people I care about, and having hope in some friends (and family) that are being so kind to me right now.

People come and people go…and the world keeps turning anyway.

I have to learn to accept this fact (and what the hell…if people really want to leave I can’t do anything about it) and just stop fighting it and stop taking things so personally (because it’s not really about me, but it’s really about them and what they feel they must do). It would be much, much better for me if I did.

Whatever it is I need, must come from within me, not from out there (though I appreciate the support and encouragement I do find from time to time).

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This entry was posted in abuse, loss of parental love, personal growth, personal issues. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Those childhood losses have a profound effect on the adult I am now.

  1. J says:

    The quotes you pulled out seemed to be speaking directly to me. Spooky, really. I have a great relationship with my dad now, better than any other father-daughter I know. But part of me is still full of grief that I couldn’t have had that my whole life. Why did it have to wait until I was in my 30’s? What a totally different person I would have been if I had had this sort of praise and support from both parents my entire life!?!?! Anyway, I just thankful I have it now!

    And really, it’s more about my mother. Our mothers were, sadly, very much the same. So, even though I don’t always comment on your posts I understand completely. I am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I will have episodes of succumbing to the “ghost mother” for the rest of my life. 😦

    I’m sorry you’re struggling with the abandonment stuff. I got past that a long time ago and instead struggle with anger over having been instilled with shame. Honestly, C, it pervades my life in ways I can’t even begin to admit to, well, anyone but you! So I totally understand! You’ve got my email address so anytime you need to scream….

  2. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Thanks, hon. I just might do that.

    A friend passed along that book to me…and it really, really is probably the single most important book to help me work on my issues.

    I’ve learned quite a bit over the past 6 months or so…a tremendous amount of self-awareness. I know I’m too demanding at times, wanting more than I am supposed to have at this juncture in my life.

    We end up re-living the past over and over again, kind of like the movie “Groundhog Day’ in our relationships, until we get it right, transferring some of our experiences, our pain, our expectations, on to others that we KNOW can’t provide what we need. So we keep ourselves stuck in patterns of feelings of loss and abandonment. Sometimes we never get it right and continue to perpetuate the same old story time and time again.

    I’m “over” the abandonment from my family in a way, but in some cases, I can see where I have re-lived the abandonment scenario time and time again.

    At least, that’s how I understand things right now.

    I’m working on distancing myself from the same old patterns of behavior. It’s causing a bit of distress in the process because my mind stubbornly refuses to take care of its own needs. I think, when I can do that, I will truly be free from that kind of deep pain.

    I’m trying to move on from it, to learn from it, to grow because of it. To walk away from situations that are hopeless and yet to be grateful for what I was able to get from it, which is a LOT more than most people get from anything in their lives because they are so oblivious to everything.

    I had that anger too, which turned to rage, which was triggered at times when I could not meet my daughters’ needs, especially my formerly selectively mute middle daughter. I was at risk for abandoning her when she got explosive and angry and out of her mind uncontrolled rageful at me because I didn’t know how to help her.

    Rage is another common coping mechanism for the deficiency messages we have internalized. It is meant to keep the shame at bay. And when people call me on it, force me to look at my shortcomings, I tended to lash out.

    It was hard to work through that pattern by myself. It took someone much wiser than me to help me sort that out.

    Right now, screaming isn’t really something I need to do…now crying on the other hand is something I’ve been doing a lot of and it helps. Sort of. When it’s all over, not during it of course.

    But yes, I have your email. I will take you up on the offer shortly.

    Big hugs to you, my friend.

  3. Pingback: Yes, I’ve got daddy issues too. « Raising Smart Girls

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