This is kind of self-indulgent, but very therapeutic

I’ve decided if I am ever going to publish this book I’d best do it under a pseudonym…there’s entirely too much taken from real life here. Part of the following passage actually did happen in real life.

“I am sick and tired of you disobeying the house rules.  As long as you are under MY roof, you will do as I say!”  Mrs. DeWalter huffed, trying to make her point but keep her voice down so she wouldn’t wake up her husband.

Maggie Frances thought for a moment what to say next, and loudly said the first thing that came to her mind, “Go to hell!”.  Maggie Frances knew it was a bad idea, but couldn’t help it.  Besides, it felt wonderful to swear – yes, the normally reserved, obedient student and worker – loved to swear, a lot, at home.  It felt like little bubbles  of stress would burst after using one of those naughty words.  She loved shocking the family with the swear words when she was pushed beyond her means to cope.

Her mother turned a few different shades of red and purple in rage before responding.  Mrs. DeWalter’s small but thick hand came forward and slapped Maggie Frances on the face, hard.  Her hand felt like a brick and it made Maggie Frances’ eyes water.  She knew it was a risky thing to do, telling her mother where to go.  Even she knew that phrase was one of the most taboo phrases she could have said to her mother, despite hearing the phrase used frequently between her mother and step-father.

After Maggie Frances recovered from the strike, she heard her mother say, “You are grounded for 2 weeks”.  While Maggie Frances was taken off guard with the slap, she quite expected the grounding.   She didn’t even protest, even as ridiculous as it was to be 24 years old and grounded for being 15 minutes late, but stormed off to her room where she could cry and figure out if she had what it took to move out that very night and in with George.

About 20 minutes after crying and stewing in her room, she desperately wished she had the strength to do that, but she realized that would probably be a very bad idea and began to fervently pray that she would get that forensics job so that she would get far away from her home.

She also wondered if she should tell George about this latest development in the relationship between her and her mother, but decided against it, knowing that he’d flip out after hearing what happened.  Her mother hardly ever physically touched her, in love or in anger. Whenever the rare occurrence of physical expression of her feelings towards Maggie happened, it usually was in anger.

No, thought Maggie Frances, it’s best we just sweep this one under the rug for now.  No sense in getting George upset about it.  Besides, I can’t even see him for two weeks. That thought really saddened her.  George was her best friend.  He believed in her even when she didn’t.  He was her biggest supporter in this dark time of her life.

She wasn’t ready to admit to herself how much she was beginning to like him, more than just a friend.  But she did realize he was very important to her and kept the crazies away.

However, in reality, I didn’t just go upstairs to my bedroom, I went downstairs to where my step-father was sleeping so she couldn’t come after me. The next day, she told me I’d better move my things out before I came home from my job. And, that is what I did. With the help of J (my now husband), I moved out into a mutual friend’s house to live with his grandmother for a few months, prior to getting hired for the crime lab job.

Obviously for the sake of moving the story along, I’m trying not to drag out the details too much.   The process of getting hired for the crime lab took 18 months (yeah, that long), so lots of things happened between first applying and then actually getting hired.  It’s very hard to condense that amount of time into a few chapters.  I was hoping to do it in just one, but also develop the relationship between George and Maggie before she headed out for her training program 3 hours away from home.

I think I definitely have 50,000 words to write, and probably more to tell the tale.  I want to cover a lot of things.   This is definitely going to be a good read and a long novel in the end.

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5 Responses to This is kind of self-indulgent, but very therapeutic

  1. Leah says:

    Good work from what I’ve seen so far!

    Just had a thought regarding “I’ve decided if I am ever going to publish this book I’d best do it under a pseudonym…there’s entirely too much taken from real life here.”

    If it is ever published, another reason to use a pseudonym is that if it were published with your real name, it could end up also reducing your blogs’ privacy via the excerpts shared here becoming connected to the author’s name on the book.

    https://raisingsmartgirls.wordpress.com/2009/06/23/the-gas-light-effect/ :
    “Most of my family does not know about this blog (my mother and siblings). I’m very protective of my privacy here more because of them. If they ever were to find out I wrote such things, you can believe the psychological attacks via emailing would assault my inbox and my psyche.”

  2. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Oh, yes, for sure.

    Of course, there’s the slightly daring aspect of me that sometimes don’t give a rat’s hiney what they’ll do to me.

    Well, I do know that my younger sister tried to get me kicked off a message board once.

    I made the mistake of trusting her and gave her the name of a Christian mothers message board once upon a time and my username (dumb move on my part) and after I was relating the story of my middle sister’s stillbirth that I witnessed (I spoke of it reverently, and the purpose was to offer what I knew about it because someone whose baby died in utero at 20 weeks wanted to know what to expect) on a pregnancy loss forum, I mistakenly used first names (because we all had the same first initial so it was difficult to keep track of the three people). Little sister freaked out of course and rather than asking me to change what I wrote, she went to the moderators and tried to get me thrown off.

    However, I’m finding that writing the truthful parts and seeing them in writing for a while for others to see, I’m really less scared about it than I would otherwise be.
    It’s weird how bringing things out into the light has the lessened the psychological impact on me, even since I first shared this a few days ago.

    However, I don’t want to air the dirty laundry like tabloid newspapers. I think if I ever did publish it (and I really haven’t decided), I’m going to use a synonym because of my work in the crime lab. There are many reasons I don’t want to be found besides familial issues.

  3. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Oh, and thanks for the compliment!

    🙂

  4. doctorjohnsmith says:

    Well, I’m new to your life, Casey, but I was struck by something, from reading that excerpt and a couple of your blog entries.

    I just finished listening to Kathy Griffin’s memoir on audiobook (it’s called Official Book Club Selection and, if you know Kathy Griffin, you’ll understand the title), and the style of it seems like something you’d be really good at. It’s very off the cuffs, almost like a conversation. She goes over the main episodes in her life, diverges, tells funny stories, pseudo-philosophizes, etc.

    I dunno, it’s just a thought, but I think there’s a really interesting book in a pseudonymized account of your life written a little tongue in cheek, with sass and real emotions also. Like your blog, but arranged in chapters, chronologically.

    Just my two cents….

  5. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Dr. John,

    Than you for the compliment. I don’t personally know Kathy Griffin, but she is funny. I hadn’t thought about it before, but yes, you are right, there is some similarities of style.

    I try not to take myself too seriously. I write about a lot of painful things, but I don’t want them to eclipse one very important point: the things that happened to me didn’t kill off what was good about me (it certainly challenged my limits though), and it did make me stronger than I ever thought possible.

    I have been able to engage in some very good conversations with people about some of the things I speak about. It has been mutually beneficial for those that decide to communicate with me. I consider myself very fortunate to have some genuinely kind people stop by, say hello and want to keep reading.

    I think, for that interactive capability, I love blogging. I could write a book, I plan to write a few, but I’ll never be able to really know how my words might impact someone as I have on this blog.

    It’s a really amazing thing and I really enjoy the ideas my internet friends share with me.

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