I am a freak.

I get it, I really do.

I am an aberration…as in:

1. A deviation from the proper or expected course.

2. A departure from the normal or typical: events that were aberrations from the norm.

Loneliness is here for a reason. Being isolated as a stay-at-home mom is partly my choice (I’m not trying hard enough and I’m too selective).

My friend has told me it’s quite all right to be a freak, but what does he know…he’s just an imaginary internet friend (I’m kidding, you know I don’t feel that way really).

But it’s not all right. Not really. Sometimes I feel the slow descent into madness, until I will myself into action and claw my way back up.

I’m really tired of being all dressed up with no place to go. I’m intelligent, insightful, funny (sometimes) and feeling useless. I can’t survive on self-stimulation alone (no, not that kind, the intellectual kind).

God, I need a job. Or to go back to school. Or something to get out of my damn house and with other (highly intelligent) adults once in a while. I miss the wisdom of my friend/mentor/father-figure Dan. I miss the sardonic wit of my dearly departed Barb. I miss the acid humor of my friend and colleague Julie. I even miss the light-hearted humor of my subordinate Mark who was a tad bit immature, but a lot of fun to hang around.

I feel this piece speaks a lot to me. Even though I married at 27, didn’t start having kids until 31, and currently not working, still…this speaks volumes to me:

Is there life out there
So much she hasn’t done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She’s done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn’t want to leave
She’s just wonderin’
Is there life out there

This entry was posted in career, combining science and motherhood, highly sensitive mom, motherhood, my stories, personal issues. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I am a freak.

  1. Krissy says:

    I hear you. I haven’t been home as long as you, but I’m already starting to feel the same way.

  2. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Thanks Krissy. I haven’t had a night out in about 2 weeks. I usually try to go to the bookstore and get some tea, and journal a bit – just to get out of the rut I’m in.

    We are able to send the kidlets off to Grandma’s this weekend, so husband and I get some time without kids and try to remember what life was like without them. I’m so grateful for that. Hopefully I can come back a little more refreshed and less of a downer.

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