Lost in my thoughts.

When I look around my tiny house, with its clutter here and there, and watch my nutty dog running – no, DARTING hither and yon around my house and periodically fighting with the cat, and think about all that I could be doing, and should be doing…I’m realizing I’m just stuck.

This is day 2 of having all three kids in school. There’s things I should get done. Except I’m just trapped in my thoughts, thinking about stuff.

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I woke up and started to make coffee, as per my usual morning routine. But when I got to my coffee pot, I opened it up to find a small spider with an egg sack crawling around yesterday’s grounds. Blech! Then as I tried to get it out, if fell down the empty water reservoir. So, I poured some water in it, then carried it outside to dump it out from my second story deck. Needless to say, I went to the local gas station to get a cup of coffee this morning.

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I’ve been thinking about the internet friend I chased away. I partly did it on purpose, I suppose. There were lots of correspondence, and it was great for a while, but in the end…there were things that we just viewed differently. And other things that just didn’t add up. But I also know that when I invest a lot of time and headspace on a person, it’s very difficult to let go. Even when I know it’s “for the best”.

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I’ve been thinking about the “high need for novelty” I think I have. So many things I want to be doing – other than cleaning my house like I should. The lack of structure I have as a stay at home mom doesn’t help. Also, having to taxi 3 kids back and forth to school because we live 8 blocks away doesn’t help. I have one child who goes to school from 8:10-10:40. One child who goes to school from 9:00 to 11:00 3 days a week. And one child who goes to school from 8:10-2:40. It’s only been a month and already I’m exhausted with the shuttling back and forth.

For a while to come, this is going to be one of the dreadful aspects of this year. Yeah, there would be no way for me to handle a class this year. I’m glad I postponed returning to school this semester.

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I’ve been thinking about the “new” friend I have, and the conversation we had yesterday as she cut my hair in her cute little “salon” her dad built in her basement.
It seems like we had the same kind of mother growing up. I was telling her some of my crazy stories of my late teens and early 20s (about getting fed up with the abuse and moving out twice before I finished college) and she was really surprised that I was a “problem child”.

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To look at me, you’d never know I had “issues”. I had a fairly successful science career going for 12 years. I was always responsible and prided myself on being logical and practical.

I do lots of things with my kids my mother never did with me. I should be thrilled, shouldn’t I? I shouldn’t be moping around wondering why I am not always optimistic and happy and full of energy. I shouldn’t be always wanting to take a nap or want to procrastinate the things that need doing so that I can do the fun stuff.

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I feel like my life is on hold. Some days I can’t muster up the energy to do much except write. I’m also easily overwhelmed sometimes and I get “stuck”. Mostly this happens in the morning. I wish I didn’t have to get up until about 10 am. But it doesn’t work that way.

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Even though she was a very unlikable character, in the book the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (or was it Little Altars Everywhere?) when Siddalee’s (narcissistic) mother Vivian got to her wits end taking care of her four puking kids at one point in her mothering career, gave her kids to her servant, and ran off to the beach to have her breakdown, I really empathized with her.

I went to bed fairly early last night (10:30), but I woke up around 4 am. Dear husband was feeling frisky and I was too. Except he got up first to use the bathroom, and then he accidentally woke up my 6 year old (the bedrooms are very close to the bathroom in this old house). And of course, when she woke up, she walked into our bedroom and climbed up into my bed next to me. So that ended any plans we had this morning. He went out of town overnight, and it would have been nice to re-connect. Oh well, maybe tonight.

Well…I don’t think this post is done, but I have to go get the middle one from kindergarten…and 20 minutes later the 4 year old from preschool.

Sigh…

Did I mention I am not a morning person.

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