Something needs changing within my marriage.
There is an intense need to express myself on my part, and not so huge need on my husband’s part (he’s an introverted engineer, intelligent about anything technological and enjoys geek humor as do I). This communication gap has been the source of most of our problems throughout the years. We get along just fine until I need to really talk about important issues or things I feel I need. We have struggled a lot in this area over the years.
I finally have been able to open up and tell him about it, this morning, over breakfast without the kids around (they spent the weekend at grandmas). It’s the source of my deep loneliness and has made me seek out other sources of intellectual and philosophical communication. I told him that the disparity in our ability to communicate is PRECISELY why I had problems and why I was seeking others out to talk with and why they become so important to me. I seek out others who (either in real life or online) TALK to me , offer me feedback for my crazy thoughts, joke with me and let me be heard and make me feel appreciated for what I have to say about some really profound topics. It’s been a very long time since my husband was able to do that. Or more accurately, it’s been a long time since I asked my husband to do that for me. I assumed since he couldn’t before, he couldn’t now, and I looked elsewhere.
My blogs, my online friends, online message boards had been my substitutes for the lack of real communication since I became a SAHM 5 years ago. But when he comes home, tired, worn out, stressed and can’t smile and barks at the kids for doing normal annoying kid stuff (and believe me, they annoy me too at times), it is hard for me to communicate with him. I found myself avoiding him for the allure of the internet.
One could say I became addicted to the online sources for input and self-esteem. I depended on them to feel like I had some kind of life going on even if it was only internal to my mind.
I’m going to reduce my internet habit, get back to what needs to be done, and really work on finding a way to find fulfillment in my time at home. The internet is a huge distraction to what I need to set my sights on. It (the internet) is a selfish lover, enticing me with its siren song. Yes, I’m exaggerating a teensy bit there. I am fully capable of disciplining myself. I just didn’t want to.
I’m going to be working on my stuff and my communication with my husband. I have a lot of worries and anxieties over irrational things and I lash out (or withdraw completely) when it becomes too much to bear. It’s going to take a while to sort through. I may blog about it some day, and I may not.
In the meantime, I will not be spending quite as much time moping about my loneliness. It’s not solving the problem and in fact was sometimes creating more serious problems for me. I used to be much better at finding solutions to what’s wrong in my life and I know I’m quite capable this time as well. It will happen as long as I stop letting myself get sidetracked too much with the internet.