Just random yucky stuff.

This is going to be a poorly constructed post. Mostly because I’m just rambling about sickness and death (not the first part, but the second part). If you don’t choose to read past this paragraph, I don’t blame you. I just need to process.

I haven’t posted anything in a week. I am busy trying to organize things around the house and toward the end of the week I got a flare up of my ocular rosacea, so my left eye has been hurting a lot (due to a small pus filled lump on the underside of my eye that was irritating my sclera). It’s getting better with hot compresses, though.

My mother has a lump, as I found out yesterday, in her neck and needs to get a cat scan to see what it is. Hopefully not the big C. For as difficult a childhood as I had with her, and as difficulty as I had through my 20s with her, and even though the family has had stupid flare ups amongst us over the most stupid arguments over the years, I don’t wish her to be sick.

I have noticed a frightening trend in my family though. Growing up, while people surely got sick, my family was relatively healthy. My mother didn’t start having any sort of health problems until her late 50s. Her own parents didn’t have major health problems until their 70s and lived into their 90s.

And yet, my siblings and I are in our 20s and late 30s, and my friends in their 40s, my bio-dad having all sorts of health problems. It’s not a good thing at all. I know my turn is coming soon, I just don’t know when.

My brother in law’s grandmother is dying right now of pancreatic cancer. It was diagnosed last week. They described to me some of what she was going through, and it was very difficult to hear, but it would have been way worse to witness.

****
It’s not enough that I think about death and dying quite a bit as it is…I have the bad habit of thinking of the “worst case scenario” and getting emotionally distraught not about what is happening, but what could happen. And I relive the moments of the past where I sat by the bedside of my grandfather and my friend Barb, just a day or two before they died.

And then I just cry and cry and cry until I can’t cry anymore (at least for that session), and then it passes.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive. It’s part of the reason I’ve stopped watching the news. I still get some of the news from the internet, but I don’t watch it on TV.

I remember as a child living in constant fear of getting blown up due to WWIII. I would cry myself to sleep many nights. Sometimes, now, I cry myself to sleep because of anxieties about natural disasters, epidemics, terrorist acts and the suffering and process of dying. I’m not afraid of death itself, but the process of dying scares the crap out of me as does leaving the people I love behind.

I’ve imagined my own death many times, and that of my children’s and husband’s a few times. I imagine different scenarios and while sometimes I wish I didn’t, I think it helps me to appreciate the moments I do have with them and mentally rehearse, so that if something were to happen, I wouldn’t be blindsided.

I know, this is morbid, or just plain weird. I have always been this way. I am pretty sure nobody in my family thinks this way. Not my husband either.

I think today, I’m going to spend a lot of time outdoors with the kids, just playing with them and appreciating the health we have right now, the time we have, and being eternally grateful I am able to spend my hours doing whatever we want to do.

*****

We’ve come to find out my mother is going to be okay. The lump in her neck turned out to be a bulging neck vein. What that was caused from we don’t know, but I googled it and it could be a sign of a heart problem. Given the fact that her father had congestive heart failure for 15 years before he died, this could be an early warning sign for her.

But at least for now, she’s gotten a respite from worrying. She told me she’d already been mentally burying herself and preparing herself for the worst case scenario.

I found out Friday that my brother-in-law’s grandmother died.

I also found out Friday that my younger brother’s wife is 3 months pregnant and if all goes well, that baby will be the 12th grandchild in the family.

And so the circle of life continues.

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4 Responses to Just random yucky stuff.

  1. Jennaviere says:

    Hey, I just did a quick scan of your post and wanted to offer a hug.

    I have lots of thoughts about death, and think of it quite often, though perhaps from a different angle than what you’re talking about.
    I use the cemetery up the road as a walking track and like to ponder the way in which the living remember the dead. Last weekend I took hundreds of photos between two different cemeteries and hope to put it all together in some clever fashion as soon as finals are over. Maybe you are the person I was meant to do this for!

    Oddly enough, I never visit my mother’s grave anymore and when I eventually write up my essay, I’ll tell you why.

    Be at peace, dear friend. And make the most of every day, but don’t feel you’ve let yourself down if you don’t. 😉

    🙂

  2. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Thank you Jennaviere. I thought I might not be so strange to at least someone out there.

    Thank you for your kind thoughts, and well wishes. It helps so much to be heard.

    Your photo/essay would be very interesting to see/read about. I would love to hear your thoughts on such a topic and how you view it. Perhaps it would do a lot to comfort me.

    I’m again grateful to call you my friend!

    Take care and I’ll update when I hear the results of my mom’s scan.

  3. Mouse says:

    I was untouched by disease and death until I reached my early 30’s and then it began to stalk my family and friends with such skill and vicious intent that l began to feel like a jinx and wondered whether I should leave and go far away.

    Some time ago I made a semi-serious pact with Death.
    Along the lines of “Do what you will with me but I will NOT bury my children. That’s non-negotiable. I will not stand at their graves and weep. I go first. OK Death?”

    One day I will fully understand the Budda’s teachings on the impermanence of everything and how the fear of loss is the cause of all suffering…
    For now I just suffer

    I understand how you feel and I share your fears

  4. raisingsmartgirls says:

    Mouse –

    “The fear of loss is the cause of all suffering”. Wow, that really is profound!

    Yes, stalking my family and friends is exactly what disease and death seems to be doing around here. I felt like our family was doing so well, until the past 5 years. Then everything seemed to go downhill fast.

    I do have a good update about my mother though, and will modify the post to reflect that.

    I appreciate being able to process my feelings with others who understand and can relate.

    Thank you, Mouse. You are a kind soul.

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