This is going to be a poorly constructed post. Mostly because I’m just rambling about sickness and death (not the first part, but the second part). If you don’t choose to read past this paragraph, I don’t blame you. I just need to process.
I haven’t posted anything in a week. I am busy trying to organize things around the house and toward the end of the week I got a flare up of my ocular rosacea, so my left eye has been hurting a lot (due to a small pus filled lump on the underside of my eye that was irritating my sclera). It’s getting better with hot compresses, though.
My mother has a lump, as I found out yesterday, in her neck and needs to get a cat scan to see what it is. Hopefully not the big C. For as difficult a childhood as I had with her, and as difficulty as I had through my 20s with her, and even though the family has had stupid flare ups amongst us over the most stupid arguments over the years, I don’t wish her to be sick.
I have noticed a frightening trend in my family though. Growing up, while people surely got sick, my family was relatively healthy. My mother didn’t start having any sort of health problems until her late 50s. Her own parents didn’t have major health problems until their 70s and lived into their 90s.
And yet, my siblings and I are in our 20s and late 30s, and my friends in their 40s, my bio-dad having all sorts of health problems. It’s not a good thing at all. I know my turn is coming soon, I just don’t know when.
My brother in law’s grandmother is dying right now of pancreatic cancer. It was diagnosed last week. They described to me some of what she was going through, and it was very difficult to hear, but it would have been way worse to witness.
It’s not enough that I think about death and dying quite a bit as it is…I have the bad habit of thinking of the “worst case scenario” and getting emotionally distraught not about what is happening, but what could happen. And I relive the moments of the past where I sat by the bedside of my grandfather and my friend Barb, just a day or two before they died.
And then I just cry and cry and cry until I can’t cry anymore (at least for that session), and then it passes.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive. It’s part of the reason I’ve stopped watching the news. I still get some of the news from the internet, but I don’t watch it on TV.
I remember as a child living in constant fear of getting blown up due to WWIII. I would cry myself to sleep many nights. Sometimes, now, I cry myself to sleep because of anxieties about natural disasters, epidemics, terrorist acts and the suffering and process of dying. I’m not afraid of death itself, but the process of dying scares the crap out of me as does leaving the people I love behind.
I’ve imagined my own death many times, and that of my children’s and husband’s a few times. I imagine different scenarios and while sometimes I wish I didn’t, I think it helps me to appreciate the moments I do have with them and mentally rehearse, so that if something were to happen, I wouldn’t be blindsided.
I know, this is morbid, or just plain weird. I have always been this way. I am pretty sure nobody in my family thinks this way. Not my husband either.
I think today, I’m going to spend a lot of time outdoors with the kids, just playing with them and appreciating the health we have right now, the time we have, and being eternally grateful I am able to spend my hours doing whatever we want to do.
We’ve come to find out my mother is going to be okay. The lump in her neck turned out to be a bulging neck vein. What that was caused from we don’t know, but I googled it and it could be a sign of a heart problem. Given the fact that her father had congestive heart failure for 15 years before he died, this could be an early warning sign for her.
But at least for now, she’s gotten a respite from worrying. She told me she’d already been mentally burying herself and preparing herself for the worst case scenario.
I found out Friday that my brother-in-law’s grandmother died.
I also found out Friday that my younger brother’s wife is 3 months pregnant and if all goes well, that baby will be the 12th grandchild in the family.
And so the circle of life continues.