But, dammit…I’m trying to.
Sometimes I’m afraid to check my email. I get a sick feeling in my stomach for two reasons: 1) that there will be no reply and 2) that there will be a reply, but not at all the one I want.
Today is one of those days.
I’m afraid to check my mail for fear there will be no reply. I’m afraid that I was too late to do any good. I’m afraid that I missed the point completely, and that my failing to recognize that was the last straw for that person. Even though this person came to me already troubled, saddled with his own personal demons, I failed to lift his burden enough to make a difference.
I’m afraid to check my mail for fear there will be a reply. I’m afraid I’ll be accused of still not getting it, not understanding, of being just like everyone else who has let him down. I’m afraid that my words will be misunderstood. I’m afraid that my frank (but genuinely well-intended) perspective is most unwelcome. I’m afraid that my good intentions will be lost in translation.
At what point do you realize it’s no use any more? At what point do you stop trying to put yourself out there, trying to understand, trying to keep up?
I do not pride myself on having great insight, or great ability to communicate, or great compassion for people (even though some may feel that way). This is because I know I’m going to fail. This is because I think I have failed. I’m not going to reach everyone no matter how hard I try. And what’s worse…not everyone wants to be saved.
I’m human, I’m limited in what I can do. I can make some observations, express my opinion based on my limited frame of reference and my limited frame of experience, and hope like hell that it’s just what you need to hear.
If you’ve been touched by anything I have had to say, I’m filled with gratitude that I may have made a difference in your life. If you respond to me, letting me know I’ve helped in some small measure, this is my greatest joy.
But…I’m humble enough to know that it’s not always going to be good enough. Try as I might, I can’t save you all.
This is my greatest sorrow.
I wish you all peace and joy and love and hope.
You are welcome to hang out here with me as long as you like. When you feel the need to move on, I will let you go and wish you peace and comfort as you continue your journey.
I only ask this of you: if you’ve been helped by me, don’t try to pay me back. Pay it forward. Give of yourself to someone else who may need a hand up and could use your love and your support.