Introspection and discovery

I was thinking of yesterday’s post last night when I went to the bookstore. I picked up a magazine that was called Where Women Create. I was looking at these beautiful spaces and I do have a creative side that I only work on occasionally. I do sabotage myself all the time with that though. I tell myself I’m not a good writer/have nothing to say that hasn’t been said before/everybody thinks I’m strange that I enjoy making toys for my kids.

The weirdest part of looking back at my old school stuff, I also have come across some old writings I had done, both academically, and personal writings. What totally blows me away is that I don’t recognize the writings as my own. Especially the academic writings. I keep thinking to myself, I must have plagiarized the work because this doesn’t sound like me. Except I know I would never have done that. And now, of course with my adult world view, I’m slightly critical of my own writings, particularly since back then I had to plunk my way on an old typewriter as personal computers weren’t really prevalent, and there was a lot of typographical errors. So I only see the flaws in the work and am embarrassed, not proud of the good things about it.

I know where that comes from. My mom used to tell me all the time, get your head out of the clouds (and other places not so nice). I used to think I’d be a very good artist or a writer. But, the encouragement for that wasn’t there. My mom instilled in me a need to never depend on a man (funny, how 20 years later, I’m mostly dependent on my husband though I do have my own resources, and I’m okay with that).

I was good in biology in school, and I chose that because I knew I could make money and support myself and leave home for good (I left home twice before I was financially ready and ended up having to come home).

My husband and I talked last night. I told him I felt my drive and determination had evaporated. He thought that perhaps I had such drive and determination before because I was desperate to leave home and establish my independence to get out of a very toxic home life. He said, now that you are safe, you don’t have to have that level of drive to survive.

I thought that was a very good observation. Aside from the professional development I am concerned about, even more important right now is to work on my relationships and friendships. Having kids has definitely changed things for me, and unintentionally, I have let some important things go and haven’t done much to maintain some important friendships, even the one with my husband. I mean, we used to talk a lot, and now, after I had dismissed his opinion a few too many times, he has stopped offering it. So, I have to work on that before I really worry about the long term goals I have.

Things with my 5 year old with selective mutism in school are improving, so I don’t need to advocate as hard. She might even be completely better by kindergarten. So, I can relax about that somewhat. I think now is the time to work on some of the personal relationships before I create a new professional direction.

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